Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Because These Moments are Few

 We moved from our first home because of the school district we were in. I had planned, even insisted, that my children would go to a good public school. However, as my oldest approached her 5th birthday I found myself gripped with anxiety. My heart ached over the idea of sending my precious baby, who I had fought so hard for (we struggled with infertility and then a life threatening pregnancy which culminated in a pre-term delivery and a NICU stay) off to strangers for several hours a day made my insides turn.

My initial reason for homeschooling was that I could not bear the thought of being apart from her. I did not wish to share her first day of school, her first time reading, the cute mis-spoken phrases and stories. I did not want to hear second hand of how she finally mastered addition, or had so much fun chasing frogs, or dancing in the rain that surprised everyone at recess. I shuddered to think of all of the extraordinary moments I have witnessed that would have seemed too ordinary for any one to bother to report to me. I did not want to share her heart with teachers or friends. I did not want to be replaced by peers.

Some may tell me that is selfish, but can it be selfish to want something that should be mine?

God gifted me with a little girl. He commanded me to raise her, love her and teach her. She is only mine for a moment, and sometimes the days are long and hard, but He rewards my faithfulness by allowing me to witness the unimaginable gift of her childhood. I do not exaggerate when I say that it brings a pang to my heart to even think of not having been with her as she has grown.

Diapers to tea parties, Lego to high school prom, and one day I will find myself watching my baby, Lord willing, walk down the aisle where she will make a promise to become someone else's.

And then there is time. Time that one way or another will soon be over. Time that passes so quickly we hardly notice until we are staring into the eyes of a little girl that no longer has to stand on her tippy-toes to wrap her arms around your neck. Or as according to God's will our child who just yesterday was running through the grass, is now resting in Jesus' arms.

No matter how it happens, one day I will have to give her up and I chose to hold her as closely and tightly as I can, until that moment comes, because these moments are few.

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