When Adoption isn't Wonderful

Growing up, I wanted to be a mother. I did not desire to do anything else but be a wife and mom. I got married at age 21 and one year later my husband and I were told children would not be a part of our future unless we tried some expensive things, and even then it was not a guarantee. I grieved that. I grieved the loss of my fertility, the loss of my childhood dream, the loss of all the children I wanted and would not have. People asked us, "Why don't you just adopt?" Don't say that, by the way, to someone who is infertile. It is rude, unkind, and only demonstrates a lack of knowledge and empathy for their heartache.

Why did we not "just adopt". It sounded so simple, find a kid who needs a home, fill out a few forms, and voila! Instant family. There are so many children available and waiting for a family. Sure they may have some issues, but all kids have issues. With enough love and stability and consistency, everything will work out and be fine. You will all be grateful for one another.

After my husband and I were married 7 years, we decided to pursue foster parenting. We were placed with over 23 children in the 4 years we were foster parents. It was an amazing time that really taught me a lot. Two of those children we would eventually adopt. They were 5 and 10 months when we got them. You would think, well I thought, that if you got a child young like they were, then everything would be okay and eventually adjustments would be made and everything would be awesome.

You know that lady in the news that sent her kid back to Russia with a note pinned to him? I am not saying that was the right thing to do, but I know how she got to that point.

I know how it is to raise a child that refuses to do a thing that she is told, unless she can clearly see how it will benefit her, and even then it is questionable.

I know how it is to have a child yell at you because you expect them to do something as silly as their homework or clean up after themselves.

I know how it is to be slightly afraid to go to sleep at night because you really don't know what is going to happen when you are sleeping.

I know how it is to wake up mad before the day even starts. It is an anger that pervades your entire being and you can't talk yourself out of it and it doesn't wear off and fade away with time.

I know how it is to be tired. I am not talking about physical tiredness, although that is a part of it, I am talking about a mental and emotional tiredness that rivals the tiredness of someone who hasn't slept in three days. There is an exhaustion that can not be contained and it bleeds into every part of your life.

I know how it is to live with someone who makes you question your sanity.

I know how it is to live with a child that doesn't just lie, but is incapable of telling the truth.

I know how it is question and wonder at motives behind every good deed because you know you are being manipulated in some way or are being set up to be manipulated.

I know how it is to have more therapy appointments than you know how to juggle and then be told that those therapy appointments are going to happen *daily*.

I know how it is to question how you can give another dollar, another second of your time, another ounce of energy and more of your heart towards a cause that seems to be lost.

I know how it is to know that no matter how desperately you want to fix someone, that there is nothing you can do, because that child doesn't see the problem in themselves, only their circumstances, and therefore they only choose to try to control their circumstances rather than themselves.

I know how it is to have guilt nearly eat you up because, somehow or another, this has got to be your fault. I am the mom, the fixer of dinner, boo boos and life in general. I should be able to fix this. Why can I not fix this?

I wish I knew what to say to those parents that are engaged in this same struggle. I only know to say that I am praying for myself, my family and my fellow adoptive parents. I am regularly crying out to God on our behalfs for mercy and for peace.

I am praying for healing for my child, who has been hurt with severe hurts by the birth family that was supposed to love her and protect her.

When adoption is good, it is very good. When it is hard, it is very hard. For some people, it is always hard and everyday is a trial. It is hard to be reminded *everyday* that you are not enough. For some people it is a reminder that no matter how much you want to love and help and show God's mercy and grace, that you are not God.

Thankfully, I know who God is. I know that He is capable of healing my broken, hurting child. I know that He is the restorer of relationships and righteousness and the healer of all hurts. I know that He authors forgiveness and He alone digs up roots of bitterness. Even though I want Him to do all this now, I know He will do this in His time for willing souls. I pray for that willingness for me and my child.

The Freedom to Learn - A Homeschool Benefit

When I was in elementary school, I was always ahead of my peers. I was always the first one finished with all my work - to the point that one time I got in trouble and the teacher accused me of lying in front of the whole class. I learned to slow down, to make mistakes on purpose, and to try not to be noticed. I always scored very high on standardized tests and my mother and teachers had a hard time reconciling my A/B average classwork with my high test scores. I got a lot of talks about not applying myself, but the problem was I was bored and I did not want to be humiliated ever again.

 Somewhere along the line, I learned to play the game. I did just well enough to not get lectured, and just poorly enough that I did not get singled out. I could have learned so much more than I did had teachers believed in me just a bit more.

 Quin, and Micah are all slower learners. Finally, the reading light clicked on in Quin's brain last year (she was 8 and in the 3rd grade). But, she is still struggling somewhat.  However, she is really smart! When she reads, however, this is lost. If I do everything orally with her, it is AMAZING what she can learn and apply but that will not translate into a test right now (another big issue I have with standardized testing). Quin knows what a hypothesis is, can form and test one, and can analyze her results. If I asked her to write it all down, she would not be able to do it.

 With homeschooling, I can be really flexible about this. Even though I sometimes get stressed over her lack of fluency in reading, I know that she will get there if given enough space and time. But in the interim, I can do everything else with her orally. We can listen to books on tape and watch documentaries and talk about all her questions that she tends to ask (mostly in the van!).

 Micah needs everything just so. He needs to be challenged but not to much at once or else he gets frustrated. I am able to give him things in small bites because we have the time to do it that way.

Then there is my youngest child, Rebekah. She learns easily and has fun doing it! My biggest issue with her is that when I am not challenging her enough and she gets really bored. So, we skip through lessons that bore her and don't stop skipping until we reach the lessons she doesn't know yet. Homeschooling gives us this option.

Hopefully, my kids will never experience the issues I did in school. I hope they learn to maximize their potential and then feel the freedom to really own what they are capable of by putting their knowledge to good use. I hope they are never made to feel less than worthy because of what they know or don't know.


 

Hearing Through the Noise

I get up every morning at 5. My hope is to get my oldest ready for school and onto the school bus and then have some quiet time with my Bible and a cup of coffee.

It rarely works that way. When 6 rolls around my other children start waking up. My 6 year old insists on snuggle time in my lap and my 9 and 10 year old want to be close as well.  We start our homeschool at 9 am. The hours between that are used on getting everyone ready and some light housekeeping and taking my intellectually disabled brother to work.

We do school and have lunch. Then there are chores and I have to finish school with any stragglers. Then my daughter,  my brother, and my husband begin arriving home and it is time to start dinner.

It is hard to find quiet time. I felt I needed quiet time, without distraction not only to be in the Word but to have some time of reflection. I have considered getting up at 4:30. I also need sleep so I haven't done that.

After dinner I try to spend some time with husband or speak with friends on the phone or in person.  There is also another clean up time thrown in and by 8:30, it is bed time. I have tried to go to bed at 8 and snag some quiet time there but often time my dh will decide to go to bed early as well or a child will come to get some mom time.

The days are full and exhausting. How does one recharge and read their Bible,  how does one stay close to God? 

I decided to search Google and Pinterest to see how others handled this.

I found a lot of blogs with pictures of nice journals arranged with equally nice Bibles,  pens and cups of coffee.   But there were no real answers to my dilemma.  I am unwilling to get up earlier,  I am unwilling to send the children away when they come to me for attention,  and I have household duties that I am as obligated to meet as I am to read the Bible. 

Then the answer came to me. My issue is not one of quiet but it is an issue of hearing through the noise.  So here is my plan:

1. Keep an attitude of prayer and open communication with God. Just knowing that He is always available to listen helps me to pray, even when loading the dishwasher.

2. Make the time I do have in the Word count. So often we pick up our Bibles with no real plan and waste time trying to find a passage that "speaks to us". The entire thing was written for us so it all speaks to us.  I have decided to reread the book of Proverbs and John. 

3.  Don't wait for silence and look for opportunity. My house is busy. There are a lot of people who live in it. It is never really quiet. This means that I may never have pretty pictures of bibles and coffee but there are worse things than spending time in the word with a child on my lap.

4. Understand this time is short and know God knows my heart.  In no time at all, the children will be grown and I will have more quiet than I can stand.

We serve a God of grace.  He is the one who gave me these guys along with the intense desire and dedication to meet their needs. He gave them to me knowing my life would be full and busy and loud.  I trust the One who gave them to me to also take care of me and to reveal himself to me in ways and times that are good for me.

What Downsizing and Moving to the Country has Taught Us

From as long as I can remember after the children were born, I had this dream; we would move out to the country, have land and animals. We would plant gardens and raise our own food. I would own chickens and collect fresh eggs every day. My kids would run wild in the pastures, free to get dirty, and free to yell and play. We would escape the wild hectic life of living in suburbia. We would escape the clutches of home ownership debt. We would free ourselves from the oversized house that by nature of it's size kept us so far apart from each other. We would live free. Free to make memories and spend time together, free to enroll our children in whatever pursuits they desired since we would no longer be house poor. Free from the anxiety of "what if" my husband lost his job, or we had a major medical expense or whatever. We have learned so much in this past two years. Some of it great, some of it not so great.

We have learned that we can live with less. Not only can we live with less, but we don't really miss what we no longer have. There might be a few things here and there, but cutting down from 3,200 sq ft to 1,700 will really make you take stock in what things are important. Not only did we have to get rid of some things we already owned, we had to stop buying so much. Christmases, and birthdays are now about a few really special high quality things and family experiences than about one million cheap things. I like it.

We have learned how to live in smaller spaces. Let's be honest, in a house the size of ours you aren't ever going to be more than a few steps away from someone. On top of that, the girls are sharing a very small room. Having a large back yard has definitely been helpful, but there are things that have been harder to adjust to. I really miss having a dedicated school space. We have a room, but the size makes it difficult to keep it clean and organized and so many times we just end up in the dining room. My husband misses his office where he could keep all of his vintage computers displayed and his electronics in whatever order he pleased. I miss the kids being able to keep their toys in one room and their sleeping arrangements in another. I miss my living room having no TV because it is in the entertainment room.I miss my house looking clean even if there were a few things strewn about. There are also things I love. My small kitchen means that from anywhere in the room I can be one step way from the stove, the fridge, and the sink all at one time and even when my house it at its messiest, it rarely takes more than a few hours to clean from top to bottom!

We have learned that people are going to judge us. Friends, family, strangers, we have gotten it from everywhere. There are those who don't understand why we sold our big beautiful house to move to this small one. There are those who judge the location. There are those who judge how we chose to go about getting out of debt. There are those who took our moving as a sign that we were in debt and had to sell. There are also those who have supported us and even those who have lived vicariously through us. There are others who are working towards doing the same things we are doing. We have just had to learn that no matter what life decisions we make, someone is always going to have their two cents.

I have learned that I need to be around people. I am extroverted. I gain my energy from being around people. Not necessarily with my house full of people but just near them. It makes me feel good to know that I can get up, walk a few feet in any direction and find a person. I know not everyone is like that, but I am. I miss being able to call up a friend and visit. I miss being able to "run down to the store". Everything is such a massive undertaking here. No one wants to visit us here and because of the children's activities I rarely have the energy to drive to them.

We have learned that living in the country is not as cheap as you would think. Overall the move has been good for us financially, but it has not been as big as we had hoped. Price of propane are off the wall and the first winter we were here we didn't quite realize how fast we would go through it. Let's just say we learned to love our winter clothes and the fireplace after that little experience. Also, because everything is so far away we spend quite a bit on gas.

We have learned that we are not country people. This is the hardest one to admit. This was my dream. Yeah, I romanticized it a bit. I was naive, but many many families do what we have done and love it. I had lived doors down for over 10 years before I got married. I knew what things were like and I didn't mind it growing up. We went into the decision informed and felt good about it. We hate that we dislike it, but we have come to terms with the fact that our lifestyle just doesn't suit it. We want our children to be able to participate in activities they enjoy, but where we are means that we are constantly traveling or sitting at those activities. I sit for 3 hours 3 days per week at the gym with my other two children while my younger daughter does gymnastics. Why? Because she loves it and the drive to and from our house is too far to allow me to go home during the practice. I know what you are thinking, but our children enjoy their activities enough that we have decided to prioritize them. Besides my own drives, my husband is driving 1.5 hours to and from work each day and it is exhausting him. We have learned that this time is going to be seasonal for us because of our busy lifestyle.

We have had to learn to be joyful even when we weren't necessarily happy. We are wildly aware of how blessed we are, truly. We have often reminded each other on our rough days that not only are we safe, in a good home, surrounded by family that is healthy, have a stable income and free to do many extra activities, but that we actually chose to be here. When we step back and really look we are able to at the very least experience joy even when we were not necessarily happy.


Here we sit two years in and while I sit in the sunshine watching my children do exactly what I described above and loving it, I can't help but contemplate whether this adventure turned out like we had hoped. If nothing else we have had to really take a step back and look at ourselves. We have found some amazing parts of us that we really enjoy, but in honesty there have been some parts that have not been as they should. The experience has been one of growth and even though this isn't looking like a forever home, I am not sure I would have changed if I could.

But I Can't be with My Children All Day Long Every Day!

  I have heard it too many times, "I could never be with my children all day", "My child fights me while doing homework there is no way I could teach them all day", and every variation of the two you can imagine.

  At first the statement confused me. I have never been away from my children so I have no experience with what it is like to have several hours a day, several days a week without them. I wondered what made us and all of the other homeschoolers I know different. I wondered why suddenly at 5 parents no longer wanted to be around their children for long periods at a time when quite a few of them had just spent the last 4 years being there.

 Most homeschooling parents who pull their children out of the government school system or even a private school struggle with the idea of being together all the time and don't get me wrong, there is some major togetherness that happens with homeschool. Sometimes that togetherness causes conflict, but overwhelmingly it is a joyful experience for most homeschooling families. So what is going on here?

First, it is normal. This one won't go for all families, but my own, having homechooled since the beginning of my children's formal education, just doesn't know any different. My kids did not suddenly become a separate part of me at 5 and so when 6, 7, and rolled around, we just carried on as usual. This is normal for us.

For those that pull out of the system, there is usually an adjustment time and maybe even a bit of de-schooling, but in general, homeschooling is such a natural extension of parenting and life that it takes no time at all for it to become normal.



Second, I am the one teaching my children how to behave. When children are thrown in with other children we get to witness a real life "Lord of the Flies" with kids fighting for top spot in the pecking order. There will be children who reach the top, there will be children in the middle and there will be children trampled on by the school yard hierarchy. The kids will be teaching each other how to behave and that is never a good thing. My children are pleasant to be around because their main influences for proper behavior are adults. My kids don't bully, don't care about who has the coolest clothes, don't make fun of those different from themselves, aren't disrespectful to adults or mean to those not popular. Why? Not because they are perfect, but because I am able to constantly train them on appropriate behavior. Because they are not in the everyone for himself world of the classroom. Because they are interacting extensively with adults who have (for the most part) learned how to behave! The Bible tells us that the heart of a child is foolish so imagine sticking 25 of those foolish hearts into a room and expecting the result to be well behaved children. It just isn't going to happen.

Thirdly, they don't have to bring school work home after putting in a full day at the school. I mean seriously, who wants to spend all day long doing school work and then have to do more when they get home? Where is the time to play and relax? If you have to bring work home do you not complain? Does it not sometimes make you cranky? Comparing homework to homeschooling is like comparing a day at the beach to a day doing hard physical labor. They are just not the same. My kids get to do school when they are refreshed and then they get to be done. There is no working for 7 hours and then bringing home another 3-4 hours worth of homework. I would complain about that too!

Last, because they aren't constantly exhausted. None of these parents seem to take into account the chronic sleep deprivation that kids suffer from these days. A quick Google search will bring up any number of articles on the taxing schedules that traditionally schooled children carry. If my kids were up at 5:30am to catch the bus, spending large amounts of the day sitting, then coming home with homework plus having sports practices until 9pm or later only to get up and do it all again tomorrow, they would be cranky too. Because my children are well rested and get plenty of time to break during the day, they generally stay in good moods and are much more pleasant to be around.

This is not to say my children are angels. They are not. We have had plenty of days when I would have almost considered putting their sassy hineys on that big yellow box on wheels, but I know that once I calmed down, I would be chasing it down and bringing them back home.

No Parental Involvment Required

There are many beautiful things about homeschooling. One of those things is the independence that it fosters in our children as they learn to learn. But, I fear there is a movement within homeschooling that is making it too easy for parents to be lazy, the No Parental Involvement Required movement.

Ok, so there really is no official NPIR movement, but there is something going on within the homeschooling community that is alarming. When my family, and I believe most families, chose to keep their children out of the traditional school movement, a major part of that decision was the ability to be in control of what our children are learning. The increasing number of homeschoolers has given us access to numerous curriculum options. Having choices has meant that homeschooling parents are able to cater curriculum to their own families in a highly customizable way. But it has also bred a new type of curriculum, the no parental involvement required curriculum and I fear an increase in lazy hands-off homeschooling.

Picture Credit

As I have browsed the various social media sites that I am involved in, I have noticed a steady increase in the number of parents who are not only just looking for low involvement curriculum, but are also unafraid to admit that they simply do not wish to teach their children! No, there isn't anything inherently wrong with using some low parental involvement curricula. I quite enjoy the fact that I don't need to stand over my children through our entire school day, but I am afraid that there is an issue here that need to be addressed. If we are removing parents from the role of teachers are we really doing our kids justice? Where parents were once forced to be hands on with their children, they now have the option to step back completely. When a parent is not involved with their child's schooling it comes close to leaving them right back where they were before homeschooling. What benefit is it to our children when we remove ourselves from the roll of teacher?

I believe as die hard homeschooling families, we have a tendency to only show the happy part of homeschooling and as a result, give off the impression that homeschooling is easy. It isn't, at least not always. We have really great days where everything runs smoothly and the kids are having fun and learning, but most days are hard work, really hard work. We have created this illusion and curriculum companies have perpetuated the idea of a hands off education by producing NPIR curriculum. Sadly, there seems to be quite a market for these types of curricula as more and more become available each year.

There are some seasons in which a low parent involvement curriculum can be a great blessing. New babies, moves, extended illnesses all interfere in a way that make homeschooling all but impossible without them. Children get older and naturally need us less and less. However, these curricula should not be the norm. They should be the exception. Our children need us to be involved. The homeschooling movement needs parents to be involved. God requires us to be involved.

Molding Mind's Top 3 Cheap Christian Curriculum Choices

We have been blessed and almost always been able to purchase whatever curriculum I wanted within reason. I always try to get it second hand but some things are consumable and you just can't do that. Now that I have been homeschooling for a few years, I am less distracted by the shiny things and am definitely more cost conscious as I add up the amount I have spent over the past 5 years. Since we have tried out so many programs trying to find that perfect fit for our family (which by the way I am sure is mythical), I have come across some excellent homeschool programs and shockingly enough, they aren't always the most expensive!

1. ACE (Accelerated Christian Education). We are really just into our first year of using ACE's English and Word Building programs, but so far they seem to be thorough, easy for the kids to do independently, and cost effective. A typical Ace Pace (about 3 weeks worth of work) will cost you about $3 when you consider shipping and can also be purchased as a complete subject for around $33 plus shipping. If you do a 6 subject school day that works out to just under $200 before shipping for an entire school year! ACE's website can be a bit difficult to navigate and the ordering process was somewhat confusing the first time, but ACE does offer a diagnostics test that helps you figure out where your student needs to start as well as possible gaps.

2. Christian Light Education. Like ACE, Christian Light sells units rather than a complete book at once. This again allows you to purchase a single unit at a time, this time at $3.35 per book before shipping. An entire subject will cost you around $34 per shipping making your 6 subject year $204 plus shipping. We haven't officially started our CLE Math 4, but I have heard so many great things about it that I purchased my son the 1st grade Learning to Read today. My total with shipping was about $53.

3. Rod and Staff. We have really liked Rod and Staff Math last year and this year. We are going to work our way through grade 4 and try out CLE Math 4 since we homeschool year around, and end up finishing books before the school year is officially up for us, but as maths go, Rod and Staff is top notch. It is a no frills curriculum which means you can get it at an excellent cost. Our Grade 4 texts were $15 before shipping and my two teacher's manuals (yes, this one required 2) were about $12 each. Total I paid about $51 after shipping. The complete Grade 4 Program Set will run you $259 before shipping. A little more expensive than the previous two, and prices will vary a bit from grade to grade, but still a great price for an entire year's worth of brand new curriculum.

We love getting new books and while "new to us" is fun, there is something about a crispy new text book that makes the new school year something to really look forward to. These curricula not only give you solid educational choices, but can also give you brand new school books and all you have to do is put back $20 per month for a year!

Is Altar Call Biblical?

As a child I attended a very traditional fundamental Baptist church. You know the kind; a long skirt wearin', KJV carryin', altar call havin'. While I have come to believe that none of these are essential to a good church, I am specifically going to focus on the altar call. You will have to forgive me if I ramble. I am not so good at getting things like this out, but never the less, writing them helps me sort out holes in my reasoning and I certainly enjoy hearing comments when I post something like this, but be kind please :).

Anyways, back to the point. We have flitted back and forth between churches quite a bit. I am not particularly proud of this, but when Karl and I first got married we felt an obligation to stay at my "home church". I mean, I had literally grown up there having attended school and several services a week. He was a new Christian so relied on my um, expertise, to guide the decision on where we went. When we tried different churches, even up until recently, we always went to ones that were nearly identical to the church I had grown up in. Not surprisingly, we weren't being led to stay at any of those either! After several discussions we tried a few churches that were far outside of my comfort zone. When we found the one we believed the Lord was leading us to, we took a hard look at what was different. There were many things, the style of preaching, the less legalistic approaches to dress and Bible versions, but none stood out more than the fact that they followed a more traditional order of service and there was one big thing missing: altar call. Altar call is a staple in a IFBC church. I have never been to a Baptist church in general that didn't have an altar call, but I would be shocked to my core to find an IFBC church that didn't have one. After much studying and prayer we have both come to the conclusion that while we do not believe that altar call is in and of itself wrong, we do both believe that it is a bigger hindrance than a help to evangelizing. Here is why:

It often creates an emotionally manipulative atmosphere. I know this isn't usually the intention but, think of the altar calls you have witnessed. There was likely an emotional introduction to the call begging you to accept Christ as savior while slow, soft music beckons you to come just as you are. I have found myself caught up in this sort of manipulation. Coming to the altar under emotional coercion will most likely not result in a true conversion. Which brings me to my next thought:

The Sinner's Prayer is deceiving. In an IFBC the "Sinner's Prayer" is a big tool. The prayer itself it completely fine. It is a prayer of repentance, the declaration of faith in Christ and the asking of forgiveness and salvation. Most of us who are born again, will have said some sort of prayer similar to the traditional Sinner's Prayer (I don't necessarily believe the prayer is required to be saved. The prayer is simply an out-loud manifestation what of the new believer is doing through the conviction of the Holy Spirit). However, this prayer is held so highly in regard to so many Protestants that it can be deceiving. Saying a prayer does not save us. Without the opening of our eyes to the need of a savior by the Holy Spirit, and true repentance, the Sinner's Prayer accomplishes nothing. Now, as a Christian whose eyes are opened, I know this, but combine this rote prayer with the emotional manipulation that altar call can produce and how many walk away thinking that because they said a prayer they are now saved? Again this leads into my next thought:

It produces false converts. I went to the IFBC for about 23 years with a few years sprinkled in here and there up until about a year ago. I saw many many "converts" stand in front of the church. Including close friends and even myself. I can attest that there are some converts as a result of the altar call, but if we are to judge by fruit produced, I can also attest that for every 1 true conversion there were dozens of false converts. And oh! How many times I heard the story of how someone walked down the aisle to get saved but later realized they themselves were a false convert. Even the pastor at the IFBC I attended told that story! Thinking back to those I watched converts at the altar, very few were baptized and even fewer continued to come to services. I don't claim to be able to judge the hearts of those who did not appear to follow through with their faith, but the Bible does tell us that we can judge a tree by it's fruits and for most altar converts, the fruit just doesn't seem to be there. If every person that walked up an aisle and said a prayer was truly converted our churches would be over flowing!

Of course, there is nothing in the Bible the specifically forbids the altar call, but looking through scripture will also not reveal a single specific instance in which an altar call was used and it appears to be something that was only relatively recently added to church services. Yes, some people will be saved as a result of the altar call, but can we afford to be pragmatic about something that is also potentially causing such large numbers of false converts?

There are many things I am reconciling as my faith matures and I have had to make changes in order to line up with what I believe to be Biblical. Altar call is not something that I focus on much but when I do think about it enough to study it, I can't seem to bring myself to being ok with it.

We Aren't Putting Up a Christmas Tree This Year

Whatever you do, don't blink.

Preface: This is just my own personal thoughts on how my family is choosing to celebrate Christmas this year. I have no problems with Christmas or presents or how others choose to celebrate. I don't believe there is anything inherently wrong about having a tree or giving presents. I really have no problem with Christmas. Except for that creepy elf on the shelf thing. That I have a problem with, but that is another post.





My oldest daughter's first Christmas was a typical first Christmas. She had more toys than she could possibly need. We actually had to open them in two sessions because she fell asleep before she finished. We continued this on as my other children were born. Every year a tree, decorations on the house, presents. Then 7 years ago I miscarried on December 16th. We didn't do decorations on the house that year but we forced our way through the tree and presents for the kids. If I am honest, I never really recovered my Christmas spirit after I lost my baby. Every year around this time brings me a profound sadness that I can't seem to exchange for the commercial Christmas joy. But, as sad as December the 16th makes me, it is not really why we have decided not to do a Christmas tree this year, it has simply served to slowly open our eyes up to what our family really wants Christmas to be about: Jesus and family time.

This year we will not put up a tree:

1. Because we don't have the space to bring in more stuff. As you know, last year we sold our big 3,200 square foot house in suburbia for a 1,600 square foot house in the country. While I know that 1,600 is still quite big to most of the world, it has been quite an adjustment for us and with that adjustment we have had to make some major life changes. With downsizing the house we have had to do some major purging. It makes little sense to purge only to turn around and fill that space back up with more stuff.

2. Because it is expensive. I skipped the sales. Our children are getting 1 gift from us, which will either be consumable (art supplies and the like) or Lego. Since we made such major life changes with the move, we have decided that we must follow through with our intentions to become debt free. We will save quite a bit of money this year by not over indulging our children with more stuff.

3. Because Christmas makes a big mess. Call me selfish, but I do not want to have to clean up after Christmas. I don't want to have to take down the tree, pack up all of the stuff, clean up the wrapping paper and so on. Yes, my family would help, but I would just much rather use my time to actually be with my family. I want to be sitting around the fireplace playing games and talking with them, not watching everyone rush off into different rooms so they can play with the newest piece of whatever they just got. My husband doesn't get a ton of time off work and I would much rather we spend that cuddled up on the couch than ripping lights down off the roof.

4. Because after looking at Christmas decor and hearing Christmas music since before Thanksgiving, frankly, by the time it actually rolls around I am sick of it. Every year stores put out decor earlier and earlier. Christmas music starts being played mid-November and the ads everywhere start featuring Santa. Yeah, it gets old fast. I mean seriously, who wants to listen to songs about it snowing when the weather outside is still in the mid 70's?

Don't worry! Just because we are going minimal on Christmas this year does not mean it is all bah humbug in the Molder house! We have already enjoyed many Christmas activities together. We have packed Operation Christmas Child boxes, we have watched a Christmas river parade, and we will have a big family get together that will include a small gift exchange and ugly Christmas sweaters. We will celebrate Christ's birth and talk about what it means for believers. I will bake yummy goodies and we took the kids to see Disney on Ice as part of their Christmas gift. However, this year, the focus will be on Jesus' birth and simply being together.

God Filled My Quiver with Just Three Arrows

                                                                                                                                                              
I read those posts. The ones where mothers of many children pour out their hearts on how wonderful it is to be pregnant with their 7th, 8th, 9th child. I love them. I hate them. I have friends still in their prime childbearing years who post Facebook after Facebook post on how if we truly trust God we would allow our fertility to take it's natural course. I have even been told straight up that I was playing God. I have well intentioned friends who are only telling the truth; having children is amazing. I don't regret a single one of my babies and if I had more I wouldn't regret those either. But I do regret whole heartedly the fact that I do not have more. Passion runs deep over family size. Quiver full...raising the next Christian generation...leaving our legacy, isn't it our responsibility even a command?

And then there is the "do it natural" crowd. Oh, don't misjudge me. I completely agree that we have turned pregnancy and child birth into a condition that requires treatment. I think scheduled c-sections should only be done under the most dire circumstances and I lament that more doctors are not willing to let birthing mothers attempt VBACs. I hate that we are poked in prodded, given medications that can have dangers side effects and often not allowed to birth in more natural positions. I believe the safest place for a risk-free pregnancy is at home with a midwife in attendance.







What these women don't know, is that I sit behind this computer screen crying. Sometimes it isn't a physical cry, but a deep emotional cry. See, I know what it is like to be told you will never have children. It is a physically painful experience, you hurt to the depths of your soul, and even though by God's grace we defied the odds, those two years ripped pieces of my heart to shreds. I know what it is like to experience a pregnancy loss. To wonder what you did wrong to deserve this punishment. To not be able to do the most basic thing your body was designed to do. Why can't I conceive and bear children without all of this?! I know what it is like to have scary dangerous pregnancies. To have it suggested to me that I induce early and just get the "inevitable" over with. To spend months going back and forth to the hospital knowing that when you leave your baby won't be coming home with you. I know what it is like to take injections in hopes that it will buy you just a few more weeks of pregnancy; just long enough for lungs to finish developing, just long enough that you have a shot at bringing home your baby. What these women don't know is that my fertility was ripped involuntarily from me. That I laid in a hospital bed making decisions that I never dreamed I would have to make. That my doctor looked me in the eye and said "your baby could die" if you don't make this decision. "You could die" if you don't make this decision. I know what those mom's are thinking...that doctor pressured me, that doctor just wanted to do some procedure on me, if God gives you more children he will protect you, or if he doesn't it was God's will. You played God.

What these women don't know is that I cried out and God answered. He answered by sending me a doctor who has been with me every step of the way from my infertility to the final decision to close off my fertility. He answered by giving that doctor the wisdom, knowledge and ability to help me realize that what God was telling me, was 4 pregnancies was what he had chosen to pour out on me and 3 biological children was what he planned for me. I listened and followed God's will for my life. I am sorry it wasn't what you had envisioned for me, but I rest on the promise that God has much bigger better plans for me than you. My quiver is over flowing.

I still struggle, regularly. I put on a happy face every time a friend announces a pregnancy. I truly, truly am happy for them, even as I hurt for myself. I hold back every time someone suggests that I should have more children or that if I would just "trust".  I realize that most women have pure intentions and don't know my struggle and I realize that my envy is not their sin.

All I am asking for is grace when my face seems to drop a little at your announcement, or when I in a moment of frustration respond with anger to a post about being "full quiver". And maybe a chance to hold and love on your baby when he or she arrives.

Reformation Day Lesson Plans and Resources

Since we don't participate in Halloween, we have chosen to celebrate the alternative holiday of Reformation Day. Strictly speaking, we are not reformed or Lutheran (non-reformed Christians do celebrate Reformation Day but it does tend to be associated more with reformed Christians), but we do appreciate the impact that Martin Luther had on the protestant church and his bravery in confronting the false theology of the Catholic church's teachings during a time in which it was so dangerous to confront such a power. Since the information can be found all over the internet, I am just going to post excerpts and link to the sites rather than retyping it all in my own words. How lazy is that ?


From: ShareFaith

The History of the Reformation
The historical trends that brought about the Reformation began centuries before its actual occurrence. In part, the root causes stem from the Church's departure from the foundational teachings of Christ regarding a believer's relationship with God, believers' relationships with one another, and the means of salvation. By the time of the fall of Rome, in the late fifth century, the Church had already adopted many practices contrary to the teachings of Christ.

Particularly, three perceived errors in doctrine stood out as major flaws that were in direct opposition to his teachings, and these later became the basis for Luther's ninety-five theses. The first error created a priesthood that acted as mediator between the believer and God, suggesting that direct communication between man and the almighty was impossible. The second was the establishment of a pope or pontiff who would exercise authority over the entire Church. The third error related to the attainment of salvation through penitent works and charitable acts, rather than through the miracle of faith.

Indulgences
The catalyst that caused Luther to directly confront these issues, however, was the Church practice of granting "indulgences". The custom was based on a verse in the Gospel of John, where Jesus gave the apostles the authority to forgive or retain the sins of humanity. In Luther's time, the Church was engaged in the practice of selling indulgences as a means of increasing ecclesiastical wealth. The Church justified this practice by citing that, although God released the offender from his heavenly obligation, he was still required to pay an earthly price for his sin.

Such payments (or other suitable acts of charity) to the Church released a person from financial or civil obligation incurred as a result of sin. This practice greatly benefited nobles and the wealthy, who could literally pay for their crimes, and correspondingly severely disadvantaged the poor, who could not. The practice also included the selling of indulgences to the families of deceased relatives to release their souls from Purgatory.

It was the "Jubilee Indulgence," authorized by Pope Leo X to pay for the rebuilding of St. Peter's Cathedral, which incited Luther to take action. As the doors of churches were often utilized for posting public notices, Luther, having written his ninety-five theses, placed them on the Castle Church doors on All Hallows Eve, where many who would attend the following All Saints Day observance would read it. However, it was the recent invention of the printing press that allowed Luther's theses to be circulated throughout Europe, thereby bringing him to the attention of Rome and the papacy.


Doorposts offers a Reformation Day Packet with activities and lesson plans for Reformation Day.

Homeschool Share offers this free lapbook on Martin Luther and Reformation Day.


Free Reformation Day Printables can be found here.



Blessed Beyond a doubt has a nice list of Reformation Day resources.

And don't forget to browse Pinterest for ideas!

What do you do to celebrate Reformation Day?

My Christian Private School Experience: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

At the risk of offending many people I love, I am going to give you some insight into why sending our children to the same Christian private school I attended was never an option for our children.

The Good.

My early elementary education was fabulous. I had great teachers who cared. They were there because they felt called by God to be there. They weren't making a ton of money and like all teachers their work extended well beyond the 8am-3pm school day. They were attentive and loving and while this many years later I don't remember the details of those years, I remember being happy. My later elementary years were good as well. I don't remember them being quite as great as my early ones, but I have fond memories. My favorite year being the year my own mother taught my grade. She doesn't give herself enough credit, but I can tell you that out of all of my elementary years I remember that one the most and I remember how much I loved having her as a teacher. The class sizes were relatively small. My 5th grade year our class totaled 9 at its height.

I have little to no memory of my Jr. High years other than playing sports, which I loved. Sports also consumed my high school years. We were decent and the school saw the height of its sports achievements, which would also be their last hurrah. Because of our class sizes and the fact that most of us attended the church that the school was attached to, my circle of friends was small and tight. I had grown up, literally, with most of my classmates. My senior year was fun. Our class was particularly close that year and since most of us had cars we would all pack up and go to Grandy's after we were done for the day.

My education was Bible based. We memorized scripture, had chapel and Bible during the day. I owe most of credit for the scripture I have memorized to my school and have even managed to retain a lot of it through the years. I truly appreciate this aspect of my education and strive to make sure my children get the same.

I had excellent English teachers who did a good job of presenting a dry curriculum. Between them and my mother I have retained a love of reading and a decent amount of grammatical knowledge.

The Bad.

Our school had a lot of the same "socialization" issues that other schools have. There was drama, gossip, and bullies. I succumbed to peer pressure often and did things, while relatively minor, that I wish I had not done. I also gave into the social pressure to have a "boyfriend". I have always been an all or nothing girl and at the ripe age of 14ish I gave all of my heart to a boy. Of course, later down the road he tried to give it back to me and for the longest time I was sure he still had some of it. In retrospect I can see that eventually I got it all back, but I still gave a boy too much of my time and energy and it sucked a lot of joy from those years.


The Ugly.

Christian schools have rules. Lots of them. I would never question the intentions of those rules. Most of them made sense. However, they were selectively enforced, even sometimes in my favor. The mixed messages sent during my high school years were overwhelming. You knew from year to year who the favorites were with the staff. It was painfully obvious.

Conformity was the word of the day. Conformity in the way you dress, the way your hair was done, how you speak. Like most schools, our school had an idea of what we all should look like, what we should all be learning and how that learning should be tested. Some of this even dug into the realm of legalism. From our ankle length denim skirts to our KJV Bibles, we were told that there was one way to do things and that was the only way. To this day I do not know why certain rules were in place.

My senior year I had 4 classes: English, consumer math, Revelations and Health. My English teacher was the only teacher I had that consistently showed up to class. Oh you read that right, I had 2 teachers (one taught two classes) that 99% of the time either didn't show up to class or dismissed us within 5 minutes. I loved those teachers. I hate those teachers. What is worse, is that the administration knew about it. My own mother called to complain. We were forced to go to class 3 days that week and then were again dismissed early from then on out. I think at that point my mom was just ready for me to be done.

Like most Christian schools we used Abeka. I was cheated. Abeka was a yearly repeat of the driest educational material you could imagine (no offense to those of you who use it). We spent hours reading down the line one paragraph after another with no real discussion and no hands on application. We were forced to stay on a schedule due to tons of testing. I took a total of 7, yes SEVEN years of some form of American History (providential history at that), when we could have spent some of those years learning church history, ancient history, medieval history; anything but another year of American! My high school years of math were disjointed. The year that I started algebra, the school decided to use our class as an experiment and split algebra 1 into 2 years. I, being used to being a mediocre student, didn't even try to skip the first part of algebra 1. Another class mate of mine was brilliant, scored 100% regularly, but because he missed the day of the placement test, was forced to sit through algebra 1. Anyways, I digress. Because of algebra 1 being split, I spent 1 year in algebra 1/2 , went to Australia and took a general math course, came back to Algebra 2. As you can imagine this caused all sorts of problems for me. Algebra 1/2 was basically a review of per-algebra and I had missed all of the new stuff when I went out of the country! I took no geometry, which generally gets put in between algebra 1 and 2. I can't remember which year, but I actually ended up in summer school for math at one point. At the end of my school career I had only had 1/2 of Algebra 1, a general math course, Algebra 2 and a consumer math class that my teacher never showed up to. Needless to say, I took many years of remedial math when I went to college.


There are many other things that I could go into, but don't feel like it would serve any purpose. I do feel like my parents did what they thought was best and in the early years it might have even been best. However, like all parents, I want more for my own children, and my own experience in this school has helped to determine that homeschooling is the way to go.

Updated Long Term School Plans for the Girls

It has been about a year since I wrote out our long term plans for the kids. Of course, as expected things have changed a bit so I am updating it to reflect those changes and to talk about what we actually did for the 2012-2013 school year as compared to what I had planned. Our school year start date has changed to closer meet with the traditional date (it has to do with the sales cycles for curriculum) so we are starting July 15th this year. Here is a link to the old post so you can see how things changed. As a side note, Luke starts this year, but this plan does not include him. I will have to write him up separately as the gap between him and his sisters is large enough that I won't be able to combine much.

I'm going

We are still on track for history. Over the summer we have covered early American history and just started on a Texas State History notebook which will be finished pretty quickly.

2012 Ancient History (Mystery of History Volume 1) COMPLETED
2012-2013 Middle Ages (Mystery Of History Volume 2) ON SCHEDULE TO START MONDAY
2013-2014 Renaissance (Mystery of History Volume 3)
2014-2015 Revolutions (Mystery of History Volume 4)
2015-2016 American History and British History (Long way off so haven’t decided which curriculum)
2016-2017 Ancient History
2017-2018 Middle Ages
2018-2019 Renaissance
2019-2020 Revolutions
2020-2021 American History
2021-2022 Civics and Politics

Science Cycle- I had great intentions. We got through Astronomy and are finishing up Botany right now, but I have decided to lapbook our way through the rest of elementary science then pick up the text books again in 6th grade. Since Keira and Brianna are both doing the same exact work, I am considering them both as 4th grade so they can just stick to the same schedule.

I am still tossing up Apologia for the jr.high and high school. My other thought is Bob Jones. I really like the look of it, but I still have plenty of time to change my mind.

2012-2013 Intro to Biology, Physics, Chemistry, and Astronomy (RS4K) COMPLETED
2012-2013 Astronomy and Botany (Apologia) COMPLETED
2013-2014  Lapbooking
2014-2015 Lapbooking
2015-2016 General Science
2016-2017 Biology and Marine Biology (Apologia)
2017-2018 Anatomy and Physiology (Apologia)
2018-2019 Chemistry (Apologia)
2019-2020 Advanced Chemistry (not sure but probably at a college)
2020-2021 Physics (not sure but probably at a college)
2021-2022 Advanced Physics (again probably college)


Math: I have completely ditched Teaching Textbooks. It just wasn't working for my daughter who is easily overwhelmed with visual and audio input. We are now using Bob Jones and it seems to be working well. I talked to her about swapping to Math U See but she asked me to stay with BJU.

2012 Teaching Textbooks 3 COMPLETED
2012-2013 BJU 3 COMPLETED
2013-2014  BJU 4
2014-2015 BJU 5
2015-2016 BJU 6
2016-2017 BJU Fundamentals of Math
2017-2018 BJU Pre-Algebra
2018-2019 Algebra 1
2019-2020 Geometry
2020-2021 Algebra 2
2021-2022 Pre-Calculus and Economics

English: Each year will automatically include spelling and vocabulary. We had to back track a bit to re-enforce some grammar so we tracked to be a year behind on grammar. I plan on doubling up some lessons here and there to get us back on track eventually, but it will probably take the entire year to do so. I added in formal writing with Institute for Excellence in Writing. We are using BJU for spelling and vocabulary and are just going at whatever pace we need to. We are also doing a final phonics run through using Rod and Staff. We should be finished with that by the end of the first trimester.

2012-1013 Easy Grammar 2 COMPLETED
2012-2013 Easy Grammar 3 and beginning writing techniques WORK IN PROGRESS
2013-2014 Easy Grammar 4 and continuing writing techniques
2014-2015 Easy Grammar 5 and continuing writing techniques
2015-2016 Easy Grammar 6 and Creative Writing (Thinking Abeka but that is a while off)
2016-2017 Daily Grammar 7 and continuing writing techniques
2017-2018 Daily Grammar 8 and research paper-Old World Literature
2018-2019 Daily Grammar 9 and Poetry Anthology- New World Literature
2019-2020 Daily Grammar 10 and Creative Writing-American Literature
2020-2021 Daily Grammar 11 and the Art of Debate-British Literature
2021-2022 Daily Grammar 12 and Research Paper (or English 1301 in college)

Foreign Language:

I really need to get on this.



Bible: We are still trucking through the Life Pacs but I have decided to make them a personal study time and have picked up Apologia's World View Series. I honestly have no idea how long each book will take us to get through so I am guessing at about a year each. I am not sure what is going on with the years, but we are pushing through the early sets at a faster pace than I anticipated so it will likely right itself before too much longer.

2012-2013 Life Pac 2 COMPLETED
2013-2014 Life Pac 3
2014-2015 Life Pac 4
2015-2016 Life Pac 5
2016-2017 Life Pac 6
2017-2018 Life Pac 7
2018-2019 Life Pac Practical Christianity and Church History
2019-2020 Life Pac New Testament Survey
2020-2021 Life Pac Old Testament Survey
2021-2022 Life Pac Bible Doctrine
2022 Life Pac Christian Faith and Living


Home Economics:

2013-2016-Health and Safety
2017-Nutrition and Food Preparation
2018-Sewing Basics and Historical Arts (canning, embroidery and so on)
2019-Cleaning and Home organization
2020-Etequette and Hospitality
2021-Holistic Medicine and First Aid
2022- Finances and Consumer Math

My DH will take care of computer science, though I will also encourage them to take it as a dual enrollment class their senior year since most degrees require a college level computer science course. I also didn't include reading but you can read our 2013-2014 list here.

Of course all this is subject to change as needed. I will also allow them to chase some self-led interests, but over all this is what I believe they need to have a well rounded school experience with a Biblical world view. Let me know if you see something missing!

A Letter to My Younger Self

Dear Younger Me,

 You are sitting on the couch right now browsing curriculum catalogs and researching learning styles. And you are FREAKING.OUT. Not on the outside of course, but on the inside you are panicking. Before you had children you just knew that your child would get the public school education you "missed" out on. You even moved to be in a school district that was supposed to be fantastic, and maybe it was. However, as your children grew you realized that you really didn't miss out on anything worth having, but as K5 for Brianna inched closer, you also realized that you couldn't bear the thought of being one of those moms standing in tears watching as this child who has been so fought for, so wanted, this child who was an extension of you, was sent away to someone else for 8 hours a day to be taught and trained. Even private school was out. So you decided to give homeschooling a trial run.

I am here today to tell you that the trial run never ended. You did it. You made it past those first few years when you were most likely to quit. As a result you have been witness to some of the most joyful moments as well as those most difficult ones in your children's lives. You have taught them to read and to count. They have learned about space and phonics, Ancient and American history and botany. Your children, who by the way, now number 3, are bright, polite and pleasant to be around.  They speak respectfully to adults, make friends where ever they go and are learning at a pace you can hardly keep up with! Both Brianna and Keira are avid readers and eat up classic literature like it is cake. Your youngest, Luke, is a little more reluctant, but he is also learning and adores to add sums on his fingers!

Your kids will make friends! They will, I promise. They will become part of a community that you help start! You will get to be a part of planning parties, play dates and even field day! Your children will have friends ranging from 2 years all the way up to adult! Some of their favorite people right now are young adults! Teens that love to be around the little ones will be vital in helping your child see what young adults should act like. They will participate in sports and volunteer work and one day they will get to participate in prom and even a formal graduation service! All those things that everyone is telling you they will miss out on...well, let's just say that homeschooling is an oxymoron.

That is not to say there weren't rough days. Yes, those were there too. There were days when you were sure that you wanted to give up, that you weren't doing a good enough job, that the task seemed impossible. You still have them, even this far in, but what you have gained is wisdom, conviction and a burning desire to see your children succeed. What started out as just a deep need to not be apart, is now a strong unquenchable commitment to teaching and training your child not only in academics, but in the admonition of the Lord. And oh, how you have needed His grace during the days that seemed they would never end. If not for that unfailing grace, the tears that sometimes seemed to flow for days would have never stopped. But by this grace, you have come to see that your children are not only your God-given responsibility to raise, but that they are a joy beyond measure and you would not want to trade even the bad days. I want to tell you all of this because I know how hard and impossible it will seem at times. I know that for every success there will be a struggle, but that you will make it through and you will reap rewards that you could never have imagined.

I also want to tell you to take a step back and relax! You will come to a place where you recognize that pushing 4 hours of formal work on a pre-k aged child is not helpful. When you realize that learning is not something found in a book, your entire homeschooling experience will change and while book learning will still be very much a part of your day, you will also learn to enjoy those more "organic" moments. You will spend days without ever opening a math book and that is OK! Those walks in the park discovering bugs or days playing store, they are learning too. Take advantage of quiet times, sit on the couch and read together. Oh, your children will enjoy that so much! Go play in the sandbox when the weather is nice and plant gardens together. Take spontaneous trips to the library and let them pick out 30 books, all on minerals and crystals, you know they will never read. Play lego for hours and put the art supplies in a place they can access at any time. Don't fret, two are now advanced readers and the third, well he is only 4. There will be plenty of time for math books and formal science. Right now, enjoy your children.

So put the curriculum catalogs down, step away from the printer and just be with your children. Enjoy these precious younger years that fly by faster than you could have ever imagined and know, that you can do it and you can do it better than a stranger in a class room can. No one knows your children like you do, no one cares for your children or is willing to fight for them the way you do and that mama, makes all the difference.

Your 4 years in the future self,