To the Young Mother Who did not Need God but Needed Help - I Survived and so will You.

I stumbled across a blog post a couple days ago. It was written by a young mother and she sounded fairly desperate.  She spoke of how older women were not following the Biblical mandate found in Titus 2:3-5 - -“Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.  Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be submissive to their husbands, so that the Word of God will not be reviled.”

She was frustrated by the lack of help she and other young moms were getting from the Christian women who are older.  She did go on to say that she had been blessed by an older lady that did eventually step in to watch her babies so she could have a break, a nap, or grocery shop sans kids and also of hiring a young lady to come in and help her around the house on occasion.  You can read the entire post here.
Here is my response to this young mother:

I feel for you moms with little bitty ones. I have been there. But, I take issue with the expectation that older women should be doing more to help you.

The Bible doesn't tell me or any other woman to go to your house and babysit. Is it a nice thing to do? Absolutely, but it is not a Biblical mandate nor is it a requirement of being an older woman.  Older women have put in their time with their own little ones. They have put their time in the church nursery. Now they get to reap the reward of a hard job, well done.  They are not called to be the caretakers of your children or your home. That is your job. That is your calling. That is your responsibility.  It is not all fun.  It is work. It is hard. But, even though it feels like an eternity before you will ever get a full nights sleep, it is short.  I miss smelling my newborn's baby smell.  I miss the chubby hands of a toddler reaching for my glasses. I miss the contented feeling of nursing a baby at my breast.  Those days go by all too quickly.

This is how older moms and women can help -

• We can help you make a plan. We can not make you stick to it.  
• We can show you how to deal with unexpected circumstance. We can not make you see.
• We can tell you what we did to get through each day. We can not expect that the same things will work for you. 
• We can tell you to lower your expectations. We can not make you do that. 
• We can tell you to relax a little. We can not relax for you.
• We can teach you a hundred other things about running a home, caring for infants and children, caring for a marriage, making a budget, creating meal plans and all the other things that are involved in house and home.  But we can not make you learn.  

What I have found so often with young mothers who come to me for advice is that they see no possible solutions.  They seem to know everything, have tried everything, and are not really wanting to do anything that may seem to add to their already heavy load even though it would help them in the long run.  Keep in mind, I have been there.

So my biggest piece of advice to you as a young mother - - - Do not write off the wisdom and words of those that have gone before you.  Do not refuse to see possibilities in seemingly impossible situations.

When we that have walked through the fire say, "lower your standards," we really mean just that. Your house is not going to stay spotless and if you are anything like I was, you will learn to accept mediocrity and find more contentment in it.  Somedays you need to just call the day a success if you managed to wash a pair of underwear in the shower and blow dry it dry.

When we say, "savor this time," we really mean that.  Your kids are going to be big before you know what happened and you will miss their babyness.  You will almost forget what they felt like when you held them as infants.

When we say, "relax and enjoy your life," we really mean that. You have to find the joy. Some days this will come very easily. Other days you will dig and dig and dig before you find the joy. But, with practice you will get better at this and it will bring you contentment even when there is milk all over the floor and someone is crying and another is using the milk as paint for the walls.

When we say, "give it time," we really mean that. Some situations are out of your hands and you will be able to do nothing to fix it. Time is a gift from God. Accept it and allow it to do its work. I remember when my kids were itty bitty.  I was 32 when I had my youngest child. At that time I had a newborn, a 2 year old, a 3 year old, and an 8 year old with significant behavioral and emotional issues.  I was very overwhelmed.  I also trended toward thinking that the older women in my life were not doing their "job" and they were not "helping" me.  I had all the hormones that come with giving birth and nursing. I had toddlers. I had a house to keep up. I had a marriage to keep up. It was a lot.  

Now I am 37 and my kids are 5, 8, 8, and 13.  My life is not a bed of roses. My 13 year old still has significant issues. My 8 year old boy has a chronic illness, my 8 year old girl has learning disabilities and my 5 year old is still dependent on me to help her with a lot of things.  But, I am sitting on the side of the fence where everyone can find and tie their own shoes, get their own glass of water, wipe their own butts, and take a bath on their own. They are also no longer adding to my burden of cooking and housekeeping but sharing the load. It is really amazing at the difference in my life compared to just 3 years ago, when I felt like I would lose my mind.  There is light at the end of the itty bitty kid tunnel!