Homeschooling Through Crisis

At first, we thought it was funny.  My husband and I would watch our son start to nod off during car rides. He would seem almost infantile in his struggle to be awake and it was funny to see him nod off and jerk back up.  Then he started doing it at meal time. It was funny then too.  I caught it on video several times with the intent to use it as leverage when he got that first girlfriend.

Then he started napping right after breakfast. Then lunch. Then I could not keep him awake. Initially, I thought he was coming down with something. Then I thought it was a growth spurt. Then I realized that something was wrong. One day I simply could not wake him up. I thought he was unconscious. I very nearly called 911 until I pinched him and the pain stimulation woke him up.

It wasn't funny anymore.  Something else was wrong.  We were back in crisis mode.

I once heard a preacher say that you are either in a crisis, coming out of a crisis, or getting ready for a crisis. I don't know that is overly encouraging but I find it has a lot of truth.

When a homeschooling family is in crisis, they not only have to figure out how to continue their lives but they also have to figure out how to fit school in.  If one child is affected but not the other kids, what do you do about their activities, their schoolwork, etc.  If a parent is affected then how do you deal with a spouse in crisis and take care of the kids' schooling?

Homeschooling during a crisis is about as much fun as peeling your fingernail off.  But, it can be done.

1. Be prepared for crisis (as much as one can be).  I have a chronically ill child. For us, being prepared means having age/grade appropriate worksheet books to turn to when I can not teach a lesson or be "hands on mom"  and for taking in a backpack to doctor's offices. It also means knowing where insurance cards are, always.

2. Have a small cooler washed and ready to use.  When I have a lot of errands or doctor's visits in a day, I pack a cooler with ice, water bottles and some cut up sandwiches for snacks. It helps a lot to be able to feed the kids on the road if necessary.

3. Rethink your extracurriculars - but only temporarily!  When you sign up for things, know how to extricate your child from them and the consequences for doing so. If you must pull your child out, then ask if they can return when things are better.

4. Stick to your normal routine as much as possible.  Your family benefits from routine when everything else seems messy and troubled.  Even now, we all get up at the same time, we do school in the mornings (barring appointments and anything happening that I must be there for), we have lunch, they play and so on.

5. If you have a sick child and he can do something, then make him do something. It keeps them feeling more normal and keeps them from falling farther and farther behind. Don't let them slack unnecessarily on their school work or their chores.

6. Take excellent care of yourself. This is my biggest hurdle. Take time out when possible for you to recharge and regroup. Make sure you give your spouse time out as well. Take time out with each other.

7. When people offer to help, accept it. If they say let me know if there is anything they can do, ask them if they mean that then find something for them to do. Maybe it is helping you catch up on your laundry, making you a couple of freezer meals, picking up a prescription for you, taking your car in for an oil change, etc.

8. Don't be afraid to say no. No is a magical word. It helps you to keep your time free. Don't feel guilty about saying no.

9. Take time off. You can just sit and breathe. Maybe this time is when you all spend days with each other and do nothing but comfort each other. Sometimes, that is just what we need. No pressure of life, just family togetherness.

10. Seek help. If you need help, get it. If you think you need help, get it.  No man is an island and we should not live like one.

Hearing Through the Noise

I get up every morning at 5. My hope is to get my oldest ready for school and onto the school bus and then have some quiet time with my Bible and a cup of coffee.

It rarely works that way. When 6 rolls around my other children start waking up. My 6 year old insists on snuggle time in my lap and my 9 and 10 year old want to be close as well.  We start our homeschool at 9 am. The hours between that are used on getting everyone ready and some light housekeeping and taking my intellectually disabled brother to work.

We do school and have lunch. Then there are chores and I have to finish school with any stragglers. Then my daughter,  my brother, and my husband begin arriving home and it is time to start dinner.

It is hard to find quiet time. I felt I needed quiet time, without distraction not only to be in the Word but to have some time of reflection. I have considered getting up at 4:30. I also need sleep so I haven't done that.

After dinner I try to spend some time with husband or speak with friends on the phone or in person.  There is also another clean up time thrown in and by 8:30, it is bed time. I have tried to go to bed at 8 and snag some quiet time there but often time my dh will decide to go to bed early as well or a child will come to get some mom time.

The days are full and exhausting. How does one recharge and read their Bible,  how does one stay close to God? 

I decided to search Google and Pinterest to see how others handled this.

I found a lot of blogs with pictures of nice journals arranged with equally nice Bibles,  pens and cups of coffee.   But there were no real answers to my dilemma.  I am unwilling to get up earlier,  I am unwilling to send the children away when they come to me for attention,  and I have household duties that I am as obligated to meet as I am to read the Bible. 

Then the answer came to me. My issue is not one of quiet but it is an issue of hearing through the noise.  So here is my plan:

1. Keep an attitude of prayer and open communication with God. Just knowing that He is always available to listen helps me to pray, even when loading the dishwasher.

2. Make the time I do have in the Word count. So often we pick up our Bibles with no real plan and waste time trying to find a passage that "speaks to us". The entire thing was written for us so it all speaks to us.  I have decided to reread the book of Proverbs and John. 

3.  Don't wait for silence and look for opportunity. My house is busy. There are a lot of people who live in it. It is never really quiet. This means that I may never have pretty pictures of bibles and coffee but there are worse things than spending time in the word with a child on my lap.

4. Understand this time is short and know God knows my heart.  In no time at all, the children will be grown and I will have more quiet than I can stand.

We serve a God of grace.  He is the one who gave me these guys along with the intense desire and dedication to meet their needs. He gave them to me knowing my life would be full and busy and loud.  I trust the One who gave them to me to also take care of me and to reveal himself to me in ways and times that are good for me.

Time for Reading

When new parents think about homeschooling, most of the time our minds go immediately to “Can I teach someone how to read?” We don’t typically think, how do I teach my child to add or how do I teach my child about how to tie their shoes?

Teaching a child to read is for sure an overwhelming thought. The process seems a bit strange and abstract. So we start by teaching our child the alphabet, generally around the age of three. We sing songs and play games and buy videos and apps for our kids to watch and play to encourage reading.

When the child officially starts kindergarten, we jump right into whatever book we have chosen to help propel our child into literacy. Then it happens. The child only offers a blank stare at the proposition that letters are more than songs and things on a fun app. A stands for more than apple.
They don’t get it.

So we search the internet about teaching a child to read, ask all our homeschooling friends, and all the teachers we know about the process of teaching a child to read. Then we gather those suggestions, our own research and we form our own theory about how it should work and why it isn’t.  The next step is finding a curriculum that closely resembles the theory we have come up with and the method that addresses whatever we believe the problem is.

We eagerly, with new hope and a bright shiny attitude, offer the proposed curriculum to the child. The child sees more of what confuses him in the first place. A stands for more than Apple. All the letters look different from each other. They all make sounds and are not consistent in their sounds. The instructions have a lot of words that look like a foreign language. The child is being called upon to deal with more than just one letter, one sound at a time and is now being told those sounds go together to form words. The problem is there are so many sounds and they all have to be memorized and then sounded out in a particular order and his parent is looking at him with a wistful longingness that is shadowed by a hint of desperation. He is confused and his self esteem takes a hit.

The parent sees that the child is struggling and apparently not comprehending. The parent’s self esteem takes a hit. Maybe they are not cut out for homeschooling. Maybe they were silly to think they could homeschool to begin with. Maybe someone else could do it better.  Maybe it is the curriculum.  So, they buy another curriculum (maybe there is something different about this one) or hire a tutor or put the child in a brick and mortar school. Maybe the parent will have the child tested.

The real problem?  A always stands for more than Apple, folks. The process of blending is essentially the same and there will always be sight words. The real issue is typically the child and their readiness to read.

The Common Core State Standards are not the only things that have decided a child should read by first grade. So have a lot of parents.  

The wonderful thing about homeschooling is that children can truly learn at their own pace. If they are not ready to read or are really struggling, we can set it aside or back up to a place where the child is mostly comfortable. Instead I find we as parents tend to judge our ability to homeschool and sometimes our ability to parent based on our child’s ability to read. And then the parent continues to push the child towards something they are not ready to do. This is not okay. Your child’s value and success as a student is not based on his or her reading ability. Your capability as a parent is not measured by your child’s reading ability.

I encourage you to take a breather. If your child is struggling, take a break. Skip reading lessons for a while. Read with your child or listen to audio books together. Skip school and play. Give your child time to mature a bit.

I have taught four children to read. My three older children all struggled. Their lack of ability made me question my own worth as a mother. But we persisted and worked in spurts. If they struggled and if there were tears and/attitude, we simply stopped. Eventually, there was enough starting and stopping that one day we started again and we did not have to stop. They were all around 9 when this happened for them. My youngest learned to read at lightening speed. She was reading at age 4! I am not even sure I taught her, it seemed to have just happened!  

So, parents, give yourselves and your kids time. Remember childhood is about learning and play and figuring out the world and how it works.

The Birth I Didn't Want Until I Realized It Was A Miracle

  My son was going to be my birth redemption. Not only was he my Rainbow Baby (baby after miscarriage or still birth. In my case a m/c), but I was bound and determined to have a VBAC. I am a big believer in doing things as naturally as possible but at the time I was militant. You could have called me a VBACtivist. I was convinced that my previous two births had been disasters. Despite the fact that all of my children were miracles even beyond the normal scope of how

miraculous having children is, I was convinced by others and by myself that the doctors had failed me. That I had failed. They had ripped me of the true birth experience and that I was somehow incomplete because of this.

 As soon as that stick turned pink, I started planning. I researched birth plans. I told my husband what I wanted as far as pain medication and made him swear that he would stand by my side. I knew I couldn't use a mid-wife because of my high risk history, but by golly I was going to have the birth I wanted and I was willing to stomp my feet to get it. I told my doctor early in and got irritated when he told me he would allow me to try but we needed to prepare for the possibility that it likely would end up in a c-section again. My militant friends encouraged me to stand my ground.

Yes, yes I am drugged but look at that sweet big sister!

I think this is a good place to tell you a bit about me and my reproductive system. My husband and I had infertility issues. When we went through the process of being examined it was descovered that I have a unicornuate uterus. This is a fairly rare uterine abnormality. So much so that my doctor told me he had never seen anything like it and asked me if I would be ok with interns and residents working with him for learning purposes. On top of my physical issues my husband had count issues. Statistically speaking, we should not have children and we were told that by many doctors. My first pregnancy was a shock. The fact that I have had 3 others is undeniably God's grace.  Because of my smaller than normal uterus, I was very prone to pre-term labor and fought long and hard to hold my babies in. Again, but for the grace of God, my babies all made it to 34-36 weeks. We had bumps but over all my babies here on earth are healthy. My first daughter was born vaginally with an epidural, but my second was breech and because of the nature of my uterus there was no turning her, especially as I went into pre-term labor at 36 weeks. She was taken by c-section.

This brings us to the story above. My son, began to make his arrival at 34 weeks. After more terbutaline shots than I care to remember we resigned ourselves to delivery that day. At this point I was still determined to VBAC. At my first ultrasound the tech noticed that he was slight transverse. In a woman with a normal uterus, this isn't a huge deal. The statistic I looked up gave me about a 2% chance of rupture. A 98% success rate isn't bad so I would have risked it, but I wasn't normal. Because my condition means I have a weak uterine wall on the side that didn't develop and I had already had a cesarean which further weakened the wall, my son's head was putting enormous amounts of pressure and stretching my uterine wall insanely thin every time I had a contraction. My uterus was an "if" it was a "when" The decision was made. I would fail. I would have a c-section.

 I spent the next several months secretly hating myself for not following through. I looked for reasons why my doctor would want to trick me into a VBAC. I villianized him for not supporting me more. As time passed, I thought less and less about it, but it still nagged at me every time a friend posted an article about the horrors of hospital birth, or posted about how they were so thankful they didn't have to use a doctor and each time it stabbed that little part of my heart. And then one day I stopped, I looked at my son and I kicked myself. My birth experiences were not failures. I was not a failure. My doctors were not out to get me. They were placed there in my life by the same grace that led to my the conception of my miracles. My doctors were part of my miracle. Instead of looking at my experience as a failure I started looking at it as an amazing work of God. I could have been born in a different century without our modern technology and my oldest would have surely died. I could have insisted on the VBAC and both my son and I could have died, but we listened to the wisdom of God through our medical team and instead of a tragedy we experienced more grace. MY BIRTH EXPERIENCE INVOLVED A HOSPITAL, DOCTORS AND A C-SECTION AND WAS STILL A MIRACLE!

My c-section miracle

So mama whose birth wasn't perfect. YES IT WAS. It may not have been easy, it may not have been what you hoped for, but it wasn't the failure that the VBACtivist movement wants to make it out to be. It was the grace of God that allowed you to get pregnant, it was the grace of God that sustained that pregnancy and it was the grace of God who put those doctors in your path. Your experience is a miracle and if anyone tries to tell you it wasn't, then they are the ones that are wrong, not you.


Of course, there were some decisions I would have made differently had I been older, wiser, and more experienced, but I wasn't. I was a young mother, going through a difficult pregnancy and dealing with premature labor. I am also not a fan of elective c-sections and induction. God has provided us some wonderful ways to welcome our babies into the world. For some that will include a midwife, a big bathtub and a room full of supporters, for others it will be a hospital an epidural and a c-section, but make no mistake, God is both the author of natural medicine and modern medicine!




 

To the Mom Who

There are a *lot* of "To the Mom Who" posts on blogs lately. To the Mom Who Works, To the Mom Who Stays at Home, To the Mom on her iPhone, To the Mom that Put Her Phone Away, To the Mom the had the Nervous Break Down and Pretended to Bake a Cake in the Middle of Walmart....  These posts are everywhere. People seem to love them. No longer do we have to worry that we are insufficient, over protective, too fat or thin, have too many kids or too few kids. We don't have to worry about what people will think or even what we will think of ourselves. There is a blog post out there to tell us it is okay that we left the kid in the car for a second or that we have never, ever, and will never ever let our kids out of our sight. Validation - it is everywhere.

I think its getting ridiculous.  Sometimes the validation of others comes in really, really handy. But we have cheapened it to the point that now every action is okay and excused. Feel free to feel great about yourself after you yell at little Johnny. After all, you were stressed and angry and we understand. We who are on the interwebs know nothing about you but we know you are a great mom. The internet mommy bloggers are here for you, to take away your guilt, your burdens, and your own self governance.

Why do we need validation? Is it to assuage our guilt for a mistake we have made? Is it permission to be lazy? Do we need the consent of others to make parenting choices that are right for our own family? Is it a way to circumvent getting the blessing of our spouses for a decision on which we may disagree?

The need for validation is a real thing. Feeling like we are making a difference in the life of a child and our family is important to keep us going. It is like a bit of extra fuel for our busy life. But, all the pats on the back in the world are not going to truly fill the void we feel when we are not meeting our own standards or when our spouses or our children fail to recognize us for our contributions or when we truly screw up.  Perhaps there is too much of a good thing here.

Too much validation can prevent us from making necessary changes. That guilt you feel after you make a parenting screw up? (Like when I snapped at my kid for asking me a math question when I was clearly busy writing this blog post...) It is there to tell you that you did the wrong thing. You have to rethink your behavior and make a change. That involved me apologizing to my kid. He was told to do his math. He had a question - it doesn't matter if I think it is a silly one. He needed my time and I snapped at him because he was encroaching on my time.  Do I need a mommy blogger to tell me that was okay? Nope. It was not okay. I only needed to pay attention to my own guilt for snapping at him.

Feel badly about how clean or unclean your house is? Instead of looking for someone to tell you it is okay, ask yourself why you feel the way you do. Why do you feel guilty? Is the Holy Spirit trying to tell you that you need to do better? Or is it an irrational expectation - which only you can change? Either way, validation is not what you need. You need to follow through on the emotions you are feeling and deal with them appropriately.  Maybe that is confession and repentance.

We feel like failures because we 1. failed or 2. have higher expectations than necessary. If you failed, deal with it and make things better if you can and apologize if you can't. But then move on. If your expectations are higher than God's - deal with it. That is pride. Maybe you just need a big cup of suck it up instead of validation.

Be wary of the need for validation, particularly when we are looking to excuse sin, poor behavior and bad choices in the name of "everyone else does it". Furthermore, Romans 8:1 already tells us that there is no condemnation to those which are in Christ. And really, that is the only validation we truly need.

What Downsizing and Moving to the Country has Taught Us

From as long as I can remember after the children were born, I had this dream; we would move out to the country, have land and animals. We would plant gardens and raise our own food. I would own chickens and collect fresh eggs every day. My kids would run wild in the pastures, free to get dirty, and free to yell and play. We would escape the wild hectic life of living in suburbia. We would escape the clutches of home ownership debt. We would free ourselves from the oversized house that by nature of it's size kept us so far apart from each other. We would live free. Free to make memories and spend time together, free to enroll our children in whatever pursuits they desired since we would no longer be house poor. Free from the anxiety of "what if" my husband lost his job, or we had a major medical expense or whatever. We have learned so much in this past two years. Some of it great, some of it not so great.

We have learned that we can live with less. Not only can we live with less, but we don't really miss what we no longer have. There might be a few things here and there, but cutting down from 3,200 sq ft to 1,700 will really make you take stock in what things are important. Not only did we have to get rid of some things we already owned, we had to stop buying so much. Christmases, and birthdays are now about a few really special high quality things and family experiences than about one million cheap things. I like it.

We have learned how to live in smaller spaces. Let's be honest, in a house the size of ours you aren't ever going to be more than a few steps away from someone. On top of that, the girls are sharing a very small room. Having a large back yard has definitely been helpful, but there are things that have been harder to adjust to. I really miss having a dedicated school space. We have a room, but the size makes it difficult to keep it clean and organized and so many times we just end up in the dining room. My husband misses his office where he could keep all of his vintage computers displayed and his electronics in whatever order he pleased. I miss the kids being able to keep their toys in one room and their sleeping arrangements in another. I miss my living room having no TV because it is in the entertainment room.I miss my house looking clean even if there were a few things strewn about. There are also things I love. My small kitchen means that from anywhere in the room I can be one step way from the stove, the fridge, and the sink all at one time and even when my house it at its messiest, it rarely takes more than a few hours to clean from top to bottom!

We have learned that people are going to judge us. Friends, family, strangers, we have gotten it from everywhere. There are those who don't understand why we sold our big beautiful house to move to this small one. There are those who judge the location. There are those who judge how we chose to go about getting out of debt. There are those who took our moving as a sign that we were in debt and had to sell. There are also those who have supported us and even those who have lived vicariously through us. There are others who are working towards doing the same things we are doing. We have just had to learn that no matter what life decisions we make, someone is always going to have their two cents.

I have learned that I need to be around people. I am extroverted. I gain my energy from being around people. Not necessarily with my house full of people but just near them. It makes me feel good to know that I can get up, walk a few feet in any direction and find a person. I know not everyone is like that, but I am. I miss being able to call up a friend and visit. I miss being able to "run down to the store". Everything is such a massive undertaking here. No one wants to visit us here and because of the children's activities I rarely have the energy to drive to them.

We have learned that living in the country is not as cheap as you would think. Overall the move has been good for us financially, but it has not been as big as we had hoped. Price of propane are off the wall and the first winter we were here we didn't quite realize how fast we would go through it. Let's just say we learned to love our winter clothes and the fireplace after that little experience. Also, because everything is so far away we spend quite a bit on gas.

We have learned that we are not country people. This is the hardest one to admit. This was my dream. Yeah, I romanticized it a bit. I was naive, but many many families do what we have done and love it. I had lived doors down for over 10 years before I got married. I knew what things were like and I didn't mind it growing up. We went into the decision informed and felt good about it. We hate that we dislike it, but we have come to terms with the fact that our lifestyle just doesn't suit it. We want our children to be able to participate in activities they enjoy, but where we are means that we are constantly traveling or sitting at those activities. I sit for 3 hours 3 days per week at the gym with my other two children while my younger daughter does gymnastics. Why? Because she loves it and the drive to and from our house is too far to allow me to go home during the practice. I know what you are thinking, but our children enjoy their activities enough that we have decided to prioritize them. Besides my own drives, my husband is driving 1.5 hours to and from work each day and it is exhausting him. We have learned that this time is going to be seasonal for us because of our busy lifestyle.

We have had to learn to be joyful even when we weren't necessarily happy. We are wildly aware of how blessed we are, truly. We have often reminded each other on our rough days that not only are we safe, in a good home, surrounded by family that is healthy, have a stable income and free to do many extra activities, but that we actually chose to be here. When we step back and really look we are able to at the very least experience joy even when we were not necessarily happy.


Here we sit two years in and while I sit in the sunshine watching my children do exactly what I described above and loving it, I can't help but contemplate whether this adventure turned out like we had hoped. If nothing else we have had to really take a step back and look at ourselves. We have found some amazing parts of us that we really enjoy, but in honesty there have been some parts that have not been as they should. The experience has been one of growth and even though this isn't looking like a forever home, I am not sure I would have changed if I could.

But I Can't be with My Children All Day Long Every Day!

  I have heard it too many times, "I could never be with my children all day", "My child fights me while doing homework there is no way I could teach them all day", and every variation of the two you can imagine.

  At first the statement confused me. I have never been away from my children so I have no experience with what it is like to have several hours a day, several days a week without them. I wondered what made us and all of the other homeschoolers I know different. I wondered why suddenly at 5 parents no longer wanted to be around their children for long periods at a time when quite a few of them had just spent the last 4 years being there.

 Most homeschooling parents who pull their children out of the government school system or even a private school struggle with the idea of being together all the time and don't get me wrong, there is some major togetherness that happens with homeschool. Sometimes that togetherness causes conflict, but overwhelmingly it is a joyful experience for most homeschooling families. So what is going on here?

First, it is normal. This one won't go for all families, but my own, having homechooled since the beginning of my children's formal education, just doesn't know any different. My kids did not suddenly become a separate part of me at 5 and so when 6, 7, and rolled around, we just carried on as usual. This is normal for us.

For those that pull out of the system, there is usually an adjustment time and maybe even a bit of de-schooling, but in general, homeschooling is such a natural extension of parenting and life that it takes no time at all for it to become normal.



Second, I am the one teaching my children how to behave. When children are thrown in with other children we get to witness a real life "Lord of the Flies" with kids fighting for top spot in the pecking order. There will be children who reach the top, there will be children in the middle and there will be children trampled on by the school yard hierarchy. The kids will be teaching each other how to behave and that is never a good thing. My children are pleasant to be around because their main influences for proper behavior are adults. My kids don't bully, don't care about who has the coolest clothes, don't make fun of those different from themselves, aren't disrespectful to adults or mean to those not popular. Why? Not because they are perfect, but because I am able to constantly train them on appropriate behavior. Because they are not in the everyone for himself world of the classroom. Because they are interacting extensively with adults who have (for the most part) learned how to behave! The Bible tells us that the heart of a child is foolish so imagine sticking 25 of those foolish hearts into a room and expecting the result to be well behaved children. It just isn't going to happen.

Thirdly, they don't have to bring school work home after putting in a full day at the school. I mean seriously, who wants to spend all day long doing school work and then have to do more when they get home? Where is the time to play and relax? If you have to bring work home do you not complain? Does it not sometimes make you cranky? Comparing homework to homeschooling is like comparing a day at the beach to a day doing hard physical labor. They are just not the same. My kids get to do school when they are refreshed and then they get to be done. There is no working for 7 hours and then bringing home another 3-4 hours worth of homework. I would complain about that too!

Last, because they aren't constantly exhausted. None of these parents seem to take into account the chronic sleep deprivation that kids suffer from these days. A quick Google search will bring up any number of articles on the taxing schedules that traditionally schooled children carry. If my kids were up at 5:30am to catch the bus, spending large amounts of the day sitting, then coming home with homework plus having sports practices until 9pm or later only to get up and do it all again tomorrow, they would be cranky too. Because my children are well rested and get plenty of time to break during the day, they generally stay in good moods and are much more pleasant to be around.

This is not to say my children are angels. They are not. We have had plenty of days when I would have almost considered putting their sassy hineys on that big yellow box on wheels, but I know that once I calmed down, I would be chasing it down and bringing them back home.